Music

Which beat do you dance to?
My grandad's would be a drum. Struck hard, not too fast. No trappings. Just pushing its way through everything, drowning out everything.

(Mine would be broken, tricky, shifting, ecclectic.)

And I listended to my grandad as he lay in his hospital bed. After he berrated me for coming to visit him at 2.50, 20 minutes after visitng hours began and even though he was awake.

(But you don't upset a sick man. You don't try to drown out a drum)

And I couldn't be callous as he told me to think of the future and look for a girl who isn't dodgy. Who will look after me and my family, who will be responsible with money. To really look, and not be blinded by beauty.

(And you can't argue with love. With logic from a different context)

And I bit my lip as he referred to my grandmother as "my wife". As he asserted ownership and control...as he said "..never mind beating, I would have killed her if she was my wife" as he recounted the story of a dodgy girl who ran away from a good boy.

(You can't bark louder than a loud dog barking. the beat of the patriarch.)

What do you do when your beat clashes with another?
What can you do but indulge someone who is sick. Someone who's sacrifices meant you could have life. Someone who's seen war, history, and a world I never will.

What do you do when your cog doesn't fit the machine constructed around you? When you want to scream out you are different. That you don't want to oblige the established. When you want to tell the truth.

(Truth as a circuit braker - stops the music. Starts the cacophony).

Will I be embraced for not confirming?
My granfather paints a picture of my future. As he lays in the bed.

Property.

Children.

Sacrifices made for the kids.

(When you follow the line....the dower is yours.
And when you don't?).

He speaks his mind. I hold myself back. In his mind he is right. In his world he is right. And I can't change that. I can't blame him for that.

Mine's different. All I can do is be tolerant, and quiet. discrete.

Separate. Unassuming.

And hope that he comes home soon.