build you up tear you down

i'm still a child who can see the world in a thousand different ways. Reason the world in a thousand different ways and end up dizzy and disorientated; dumb without words to describe how I feel or what I see. Saw. And there's always more and more...

Collide. Scope. Collide. Scope.

I snatch at meanings and try and pin them to my emotions. Box them. My fears get the better of me until I push them away in defiance. Stupid me. Stomping on them as if they will go away. Instead I'm just firming the ground above them so they can germinate. Into?

So, they need to be unearthed and exposed. Until they evaporate. And I release myself.

It's here. My freedom. I can see it but not have it. Because I am fears. Because I am dumb. I need to teach myself the language of releasing. I need to forget the words I've been tought.

oh simple things

Had a dance around the flat today - and singing. Such a beautiful day - sunny, crisp, blue.
And my nights, they're filling with beautiful things now too. People, ideas, music....each on their own and together; making me laugh; making me excited; inspired. That feeling of possibility - that opportunity really does exist everywhere once you stop to recognise it and when you're not afraid of it.

I could have gone for that job. I could have walked all over it and had security. But I've torn up the application form. Who am I kidding? Security? Shackles? What is the point if not to be moved, at every inch of myself. I've always wanted so much for myself, always dreamed about some halcyon life - and yet always been afraid to take the opportunities that come my way. Too careful, too much in control and everything so contrivied and orientated. And yet that is the fallacy of it all - it is all just struggling and resisting, wasting energy trying to cling onto my rock against the currents.

Now I am letting go of my rock - slowly at first, but I am going to relent, and let the currents take me...

i am more than now

Bus stop

I met a man at the bus stop
Or he met me
He's been away from the city he said
For the past seven years

And he said everthing had changed
Since he'd been gone
He said everything had changed
Or his memory had gone

There are roundabouts at every corner, he said
Even suburbs weren't the same
(Different name)

He'd been working on ships, he said
Of all different nations
And what he said that made me laugh
(made me think?)
Was that ships are all the same, really
They're just constructed differently.
Ships are all the same, you see
They're just built differently.

And then I had dinner with you
And for the first time since we met
I didn't see you the same
And just before I go away
I'm stopping thinking about you in that way

Everything is changing, I say
Or maybe my memory is not the same.